So, there's Emmett-stress. It's immense. And I'm torn between wanting a cigarette and a pizza, knowing that I don't actually want either of them. It's just that I've spent so long smoking when I was hungry, and eating when I really wanted nicotine, that my body is confused by all the signals it's getting now.

And I'm giving myself flack for eating the pizza and smoking the cigarette...when I haven't done either.

All About Emmett )

You know, I need to find a way to turn this into an email and just send it to him. Because I don't need any more stress in my life. My coworkers are stressful enough.
I'm fidgety this morning. I've moved toward my bedroom door at least 30 times thinking, "okay, time for a cig", always stopping before I get to the door, remembering that I'm not doing that anymore.

Like I said before, almost everything I do, I associate with smoking. Weird.

And now I'll stop talking about it ^_^
skandrae: (very special)
Stupid LJ, eating my entry. I'll never achieve the heights of wittiness I scaled in that entry.

Here is the Reader's Digest version: I have hopped back onboard the quitting-wagon, so please bear with me. There is virtually nothing that I do that doesn't trigger a smoking response in me (heating the bath, checking my webcomics, thinking about work), but I'm giving it the ol' college try. Telling myself that "I'll quit when things stop being so stressful" is a load of codswallop. Things aren't going to get less stressful, and smoking wasn't really doing anything to help with that.

So, three cheers, pip pip, please to be sending me positive mojo.
In the interest of full disclosure to you, my much-loved flist, I have to tell you that I did something bad last night. Not any of the big bad things, just one of the 'aw, Cleo, you were doing so well' kind.

My shame )
Because I am a masochist a sucker a glutton for punishment an optimistic overachiever-type, I am thinking about signing up for another ficathon. This one wouldn't be due until May 1, which is at least a month after all my other 'thons should be finished, so it's not totally crazy, right?

Finally worked things out with Emmett - he is going to come to visit me next May, which works out much better for both of us. I will have a year or so to save up some money, and he will have time to do the same thing and learn how to scuba dive, which is apparently something he's wanted to do for a while. He finally understands that I cannot take time off whenever I feel like it, and he is cool with going exploring on his own when I am at work. His recent trip to Costa Rica for a wedding was really good for him in terms of getting out there on his own. Yay! Now I can stop being irritated with him every time he comes on MSN.

The Rodney-cat bit my ass again this morning. He had scooched in between my back and the chair, and was just sitting there, purring, when all of a sudden *bite*. I am really not keen on that. Not at all.

Thinking about writing is really making me crave a cigarette, for some reason. Grrr. I thought I should be over that by now.

Also, yesterday I spent $30 at the Daiso (100 yen shop [dollar store]). Considering that only two items were more than $1, that's a lot of stuff. My most embarassing purchases, by far, were 6 books intended to help grade school students study English. My reason for buying them? I'm trying to improve my Japanese, and I figured that books intended for kids under 12 can't be that hard. I'm just reverse-learning, is all.

Last time I was there, I bought books on learning kanji (Chinese characters), but haven't really done much with them, yet.
skandrae: (AURYN-alicious)
I knew I shouldn't have let them nap on me for almost an hour...now they are full of vitality and energy, whereas I am full of wanting to go to bed. Thank heavens tomorrow is Friday.

In other, totally "patting myself on the back because I haven't said anything about it in a while" news, today is officially one month since I quit smoking. Hooray for Team skandrae's Lungs!!

This entry brought to you by the italics tag.
I believe I sent Sophie an email today, saying that I would take two cats. They're adorable, they look like brothers, and I'm just waiting to hear back from her to find out the wheres and whens of things.

I think this new development may preclude me going back to Canada for a week, unless I can beg my landlady to feed my cats every day. We'll see.

I really wish the buses would get back, because I've been playing on the computer for an hour now, and I've visited all the safe-for-work sites that I can. Encho's cigarettes keep making noise at me, like "Cleeeoooooo, you're bored...You know you would like to join us...Give in to the dark side, we have cookies..." Stupid boredom.
skandrae: (out of the ordinary)
Hey, btw, eight days and only one stumble. Am feeling ridiculously accomplished.

Time was, I used to get up super early in order to cram as many cigarettes as possible in before work. Today, I woke up early and did laundry and drank a pot of coffee and packed treats for lunch.

Since my apartment is clean, perhaps I will spend this evening trying to write that stupid Ronon-thing that has been bunnying about in the back of my head.
I can handle coughing stuff up...just not stuff that is hard.

It makes me want to retch.

I'm not sure if this is cold-related, quitting-related, or some unholy mishmash of the two.

So...'sup?

Jan. 31st, 2006 09:35 pm
When someone tells you that they will email you with some information on Sunday or Monday, is it wrong to be supremely pissed when it gets to be bedtime on Tuesday and still no email?

I thought as much.

My apartment is almost totally clean. Like, unbelievably so. And I've only thought about cigarettes, like, 100 times today. And that's an improvement.

I think my ears are defective, because every time I put my Nano-ear-bud into my right ear, it hurts like crazy. Painful crazy.

Tomorrow is the last day for the [livejournal.com profile] sga_flashfic Documentation challenge, and somehow I have managed not to write the story that's been going through my head. How does that happen? Tomorrow is also the day for the first prompt at [livejournal.com profile] stagesoflove, and potentially the day I get my assignment for [livejournal.com profile] sgarareathon. I need one of the dry-erase calenders that I used to use when I was at uni, just to keep track of my writing commitments.

Perhaps I will have a bath now.
So, Sean and Pat are on their way to Narita - Sean to spend the night at a hotel so he can pick Adrian, one of the new teachers, up in the morning, and Pat to board the plane (business class, no less) that will take him back to Australia, university, and living with his family again for the first time in a year and a half...

I'm going to miss Pat something fierce, my comrade in arms and the brother I never had...*cries a bit* Hopefully, his plane will not get shot down over the Sea of Japan, as Henry Blake's did in the M*A*S*H episode whose title I pilfered for my subject line.


Anyway, I'm still coughing and it's utterly disgusting. Sean pointed out that my cough wasn't this bad when I was smoking, to which I had no reply. I'm trying to drink lots of liquids and stuff. We'll see.

Oh man, I am sleepy. I hope I don't fall asleep on the way out to the airbase...
Yes, I did it. It ended up being four, perhaps five, puffs, and I felt really guilty and disgusting, and this morning I feel worse than ever. I am not taking up smoking again, though, so that has to count for something, right?

I am coughing like a coal-miner, and I am hoping that is related in some way to toxins leaving my body.

"Failure lies not in the falling down but in the staying down."
I thought I'd hit a fairly low point on Day Two, when I seriously contemplated picking a slightly-crushed (but still good) cigarette up out of the gutter. I didn't do it, because I have some standards (plus people would make fun of me for the rest of eternity), but I've thought about it every day with a feeling of shame/nostalgia/loss.

Right now, I am fighting the urge to rifle through the butt-can on the balcony, because I know there is a cigarette in there that is only half-smoked. I mean, sure it's been sitting in the dirty butt-can for a week now, and there are few things in life grosser than cigs that have been lit before...the fact that I have been thinking about that half-cigarette for almost an hour now is an indication to me that there is something seriously wrong with me.

I turned down the opportunity to go drinking and dancing tonight because I knew that I would be tempted by all the smokers around me, never thinking that I would be tormented in my own apartment.


Other non-smoke-related stuff happened today, but I am having a very hard time focusing.
Managed to walk to the 7-11 alone last night without stopping at the machine, so yay! Unfortunately, I consumed much junkfood as compensation...not so yay.

School today looks to be fairly easy. We have the January Birthday Party in the morning (I'm not part of it this month, because I was sick during both rehearsals, yay), and then English Club in the afternoon. Not looking forward to the afternoon, actually, as there are three classes, and only Sean and I as teachers...

I'm still working through how to explain my feelings about one of the kids in Hiyoko. It's very complicated, and I want to make sure I've thought all the angles through before I try to put it down on paper. I will say, however, that cases like this girl make me a more fervent believer in birth control and pretty much 100% sure I don't want to raise a child in this country.
So, we're at school, waiting for the last bus to get back. I'm perusing a quit-smoking link sent to me by [livejournal.com profile] blockrockinbeat and reading stuff out loud to Sean. All is well and good as I read him this line: "You will have more energy to do the things you love."

There's almost a full minute of silence here, and I assume that Sean isn't actually listening to me because he's doing work for one of the other teachers. I was wrong, sorta.

"How much energy do cross-stitching and masturbating really need?" he says, in a slightly puzzled voice.

We laugh and laugh until our sides hurt and I think my lungs are going to collapse. "Maybe I'll develop some new hobbies, y'know, once I have energy," says I.

Well, that just sets us off more. Aaah, mirth.
In honour of Day Two, I have created an LJ-tag for this experience. Gaze in wonder, all ye assembled reading this page, at the power of the ironic not-ironic umm, kind of funny LJ-tag.

Having said that, I would like to thank those of you who offered kind words of support and/or encouragement. Apologies in advance for any nastiness or bitchery that spews forth from me over the next week or so. You know I don't really mean it, right?

That being said, here's a list of Things I Am Looking For:
- friendly support
- anecdotes
- offers of chocolate
- words of advice from those who had difficulty quitting

Things I Am *NOT* Looking For:
- preaching
- nagging
- offers of gym membership
- stories of "OMG, quitting was teh easiest thing evar!!!!1!!one!" from those who had no problem quitting

See, see how crabby I am already? Yikes.

In non-quitting news, one of my sports bras, the one I used to like the best, has finally had it. It's stretched so far out of shape that there's absolutely no hope for it, and I think the merciful step would be to shoot it out behind the barn throw it away. Unfortunately, losing it leaves a sports-bra-shaped hole in my day to day wardrobe. The larger-size catalogue that I sometimes order clothes from has some bras, but they are all typically Japanese - that is to say, covered in ruffles and ribbons and padded up the wazoo.

Any of my girls out there have any recommendations on sports bras available for online purchase? Ladies?

Back to school for real today. Yippee.
Got sent home after lunch, because apparently I don't look well enough yet. Wasn't exactly in the mood to argue with that, so here I am.

Did not walk to the vending machine by the drugstore to buy cigarettes, which (on the one hand) is yay!!! but (on the other hand) is just wahhhh!

I'm going to work on my cross-stitch so as to keep my hands occupied.
I'm a bad pretend-girlfriend to most of my fake-TV-boyfriends. For instance, I totally neglected Richard Dean Anderson's birthday yesterday. Oh, well. Since it's still the 23rd where he is, I guess me mentioning it now counts.

In other news, if I'm this cranky and bitchy after approximately 14 hours without a cigarette, how much crankier am I going to become over the next few days? I can't concentrate, I keep wanting to go out onto the balcony even though I have nothing to do there, and my fingers are unwholesomely cold. (Is "unwholesomely" actually a word?)

While having yesterday off work was totally swell, I guess it's time for me to head back to the mill. Rest assured, though - I will be wearing more clothes than are comfortable to move around in, including scarves and several layers of undershirts.

Junkie

Jan. 23rd, 2006 08:13 pm
It's not that I consciously set out to quit smoking today. It's more a combination of me not buying another pack of smokes before getting sick, and then not being able to go out to get any, and now having none but not being really sure if I want to walk almost all the way to the 7-11 to get more.

I mean, it's a filthy habit that is going to kill me, and do I really need to be choking down tar on top of the flu-yuckiness that's currently in my lungs? I may be adopting a cat on the weekend - do I really want to spend money on cigarettes when I could, potentially, have a pet who will need trips to the vet and food and toys and stuff?

And I'd like to be able to run up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath (hahahaha, yeah right), and it would be nice to put a plant in the pot that I'm currently using as an ashtray.

But the reason I'm gibbering away here is that, as great an idea as quitting is, I am so totally addicted that, even though I had a cigarette something like two hours ago, the idea of not having another smoke tonight is making my extremities twitch and go cold.

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